So thank heaven for you...

"Whenever I get lost, you never let me disappear for long
You always bring me water you never let me falter."

Listen

I wish I just had someone I can vent to who would just sit and listen to me. Like fully listen to me, understand me, be there for me, hug me, and just care. I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through right now. Sometimes I just want to scream as loud as I can but it's like nothing comes out, not vocally but emotionally. I hate being nagged and most importantly I hate when I'm trying my best to just be happy or do right but yet nothing is good enough. I'm in a place where I can't escape, I hate these closed walls When is it going to be that I can finally be to myself, let everything out and feel good about it. I want to be able to feel myself again, be comfortable with my skin, diminish all the tears, forget all the worrying and just remember what it was like to do me and not care what anyone thinks. I think its almost coming to an end though,hopefully I mean they say it takes a downfall to rise back up. Hopefully my downfall has ended.

speaking my mind

some things are easier for me to write than say and theres some things that I have to get off my chest. This year I would have to say was one of the hardest and most stressful years I have been through. Sometimes I wish I can regret it all but truth is I don't regret anything that happens in my life, despite all the pain I have dwelt with I feel like situations I have been through, made me stronger in the weakest way possible. Sounds weird but its true. I do believe I'm strong but I'm not gonna lie I have shed the tears, I have had nights where I couldn't sleep, I have had nights were I have felt lost, I have had nights were I have felt alone, I've been betrayed, brokenhearted, blamed, I mean all the above. People I thought cared about me don't. Sometimes I would say to myself," A, how could you be so stupid?" and I can't say I didn't see all of this coming because I have had troubles trusting my instincts and going with what feels right. I learned that trust isn't easy you can't just take it, you got to earn it, its like a gift you want to take care of. But in the end I realized I am not stupid, I mean all of us have to go through conflicts once in our life and we have to learn from them, the sooner the better and I'm glad to see myself mature. I'm imperfect to the fullest I mean flaws in all I do make mistakes and a lot of them at that. Honestly I almost thought i broke down completely this year, I felt like how can I deal with all this at once, my life was a mess and I couldn't pick up the pieces, but with friends who stood around and advice from my mother I learned that god will never put you through things you can not handle. I've learned you have to be strong and have the attitude like your not alone, you can't worry. Worry in my eyes is the expectation that god will fail you. God doesn't fail no one. I could write all day but all my trials but truth is, I'm glad with the woman I'm becoming and I wouldn't change the things I have learned or overcome for nothing, I see it all as me growing up, and I'm ready to grow more and face more challenges. Nothing and no one can stop me from being and becoming me.

Longing Still

"When life brings me nothing but tears, I wondered for so long. To keep smiling though troubles come, and still remain sweet and silently overcome."

A hole where there was none.

I don't know if you're pushing me away or pulling me closer. I don't know where I stand so I guess this a hole where there was none. I don't know what you want from me or If you care at all. Don't turn tables or place this on me just come out and tell me what it is you want. I can't read minds, I don't know where I stand. Are you pushing me away or are you going to finally let me in or this a hole where there was none.